Exclusive interview with some guy from Transformers 2!

This is sort of funny, but it's the line at the end that made me post it...

The Threesome

So, this isn't exactly the threesome every guy dreams about, but this guy is hilarious. This is a funny read. Enjoy...

The 3some... explained. sorry it is so long - but you lot did ask. I though as this place has got a bit serious and heavy, I'd finally cheer you up with another of my epic fails. The 3some:

The first excuse is I had just split with my girlfriend, and being shallow - needed to move on... fast. And I had an all expenses hotel room for two bought and paid for by my company.
But first - let me explain about Ashley, the victim, uh - I mean woman. She was a friends mum. Back when I used to sleep over at my mates house as a kid - I was 10 and thought she was hot as fuck. I used to wank obsessively thinking of her. In their bathroom was the laundery basket and I swiped a pair of her knick-knicks. Droped em on my face and proceeded to 'fire the custard cannon' inhaling the mushroomy sent.
Problem was I was in the friends house who's mum it was, and we were in bunk beads. Russel, the friend below me was "Uh..... what you doin??"
I forgot he was there...
"I'm, er, having an Asthma attack. Stop talking you are ruining it... Oh and cover your eyes!"

The friendship ended when I wiped my arse on his pillow.

Fast forward 20 years or so, and I am in a hotel in Leeds. Very, very pissed. As I said I was recently single, so invited my mate Bulldog along. For those of you who know Bulldog, I asked all my proper mates but was too short notice. Bulldog fell off his bike as a kid, and has lots of scarring on his head where hair doesn't grow. He looks like he got chewed up by a dog - hence bulldog. I am drinking to forget the choice of idiot I have brought with me - Bulldog eating his normal diet of pills!

The conferance at the hotel I was staying at (why I was there) - so was rammed with women, and I am hitting on every single one. I was on about my 25th 'fuck off' - then.... "OH MY GOD - is that you... it IS you.... hi yoooooooou"
Ashley - Russels mum. Time had not been kind to old Ashley.
She told me about her difficult break up... she said I hadn't aged a bit, but she had as she has liver failure, leaving her skin sallow.
Me - pissed, told her I used to wank over her at 11, and stole her panties.
So I am flirting, getting booglie and being a twat.
She - to my total shock is flirting back.
So, me, being all sensitive said:
"How about you come upstairs and fuck me and my mate"
She said....."OK"
(didn't expect that)
........................................................"Seriously??"
"Yeah - why not" says she
"Fuck yeah" shouts Bulldog
"Shut up Bulldog" says I

So then, it turned in to a game of chicken as we walked to the lift.
"come on then" I said as I started walking
"OK" she said... following me
"I'm serious" I said.
"Me too" she said.
"I'm not joking" I said
"Good" she said.
"Me too" said Bulldog
"Shut the fuck up bulldog"
I remember thinking 'Oh shit you've done it again - say your joking and stop this!'

By now - we had got to the lift. I had sobered up real fast. I am beginning to think this is a bad idea. It was a joke. After the Banana lady - I leaned that fantasy is better than reality. But I called it, and had way too much pride. You gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em.
In the lift, with its harsh overhead lighting - she was not pretty, sagging skin and yellow liver failure eyes. In the mirrored walls I could see Bulldong shuffling about with excited tension, playing with himself through his trouser pocket. It was repulsive, right there I should have hit the alarm button and fucked off.

So, we get in my room. Of all the things you have read about me, this was by far the most awkward moment to date. My old mate's elderly, liver failing mum, drunk. My junkie mate looking like he is going to have a stroke and grinning like Forrest Gump, touching his cock through his pockets. And me. All looking at each other like a western gun fight is about to start. Nobody actually tells you how these things get going, you just start making random small talk.
I said "Chilly today isnt it"
Bulldog: "Huh??"
Ashley: "what? thats not very sexy"
I remember this next bit, as it is one of my epic FAILS. I had to say something sexy, and wild, but didn't know what to say - all nervous I honestly said the following.....
"Uh, yeaaaah..... my dick feels like corn"
corn... CORN?? what the fuck was I thinking, corn? I panicked and said the first thing t come to mind and it was corn. Lucky for me - she didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah, let me put some butter on it"
....and thats how it started

Bulldog was so amped his head went red with all the scars white, So - I thought, fuck it - get in first. We started kissing. Even that was awful, it was like a hovercraft drove over my face. Bulldog unbuttons his shirt, I get naked in a flash to beat him, go for the kill, bend Ashley over - cos I didn't want to do it face to face as she looked just like my 10 year old mate Russel - but with a vagina.

I plumb it in, so far so good. I am hammering away. For a short while it feels good and you forget the circumstances. I open my eyes and Bulldog right next to me - looking right in my face. Grinning. I didn't put any music on, so the only sound was like a dog walking through mud, only wetter, and my idiot mate right up in my face. So I whipered:
"Fuck off"
"What?"
"Fuck - off"
"Fuck yeahhhh"
"No - fuck off"
"My go!!"
"What"
"Gimme a go"
"I just started"
"Im gonna blow - let me go"
with that he shuffles off in the corner and I can see him out of the corner of my eye getting undressed 'FFLAPP' there was a wet slapping sound, as if someone hit Bulldog, I snap my head around to look... 'FUCK MEEEEEE'
It was Bulldogs cock. It was fucking huge. Like a comedy rubber, foot long, lady slaying monster dick. The noise was as it swung and slapped his thigh!! He then starts wagging it about, trying to get blood in it cos it is too big to just 'wood up' like a normal-un.
You know that old footage of the girl in Viatnam - running down the street naked, all burned from Napalm and screaming - that is how I felt right there. How the fuck am I supposed to compete with that? I am flapping a sub-standard baby dick and he is packing a monster!! I know us guys are insecure about the size of our cocks, but fuck me!! This ugly, fucking fat retard looking idiot, is swinging a giant cock about.

Now, let me just clear up the size issue. It matters. A lot. Trust me. Want to know how I know? Go into a sex shop. All the dildo's are thick 9+ inches or more of monster cock. Never has a woman gone "Uhh, yeah - do you happen to have a sub-average size dildo?" Would never happen. NEVER HAPPEN. The only time you could by a cock my size, all small and ugly with an awkward kink in the middle would be on a key ring. And it would be a joke.

"my go" Bulldog says again
I hadn't realised I had stopped moving. Just standing there, losing my erection while looking at his - and still in mates mum. So I pull out. Something about my idiot mate and his giant cock killed the moment for me.

Now - you think everyone fucks like you. You base your basic 'fuck technique' on porn, medium speed regular half second piston-like pumps. Well.... they dont. Bulldong as I now call him is naked but for shoes and socks. Still wagging it like he is going to smash her about the head with it. He closes in behind Ashley... Him grappling the monster with both hands, it so big it would bend in the middle, Flop out and swing around. He'd grab it again. it was like watching a guy try to post a python through a letterbox.
Then Ashley whent ooOOOOOHHHH SHIT yeah - oh yeah.

Needless to say - she didn't say anything like that with me. I felt sooo shit. Curse my button mushroom-like cock. I didnt want to be there and my pride had just been flamed.
Then he started fucking - christ it was awful to see. Grunting and squeels, and hammering away like it was a race, like three hits a second machine gun on auto, frenzy fuck. Bulldog is a big fatty fat, fat. He looked like a giant baby with a monster cock, fucking my mates mum. An image I will never forget - and the most traumatic I have yet to see. All I could think is 'I forgot to make noises! Are you supposed to make noises? He's doing the sex noises and she seems to like it - not only has he a fantastic cock - he does noises!'

After only about 4 minutes Bulldog starts making loud grunts, pulls out the massive beast, it slaps on her back 'thud' and he then blows his load - all over her back. He then, like cave man, went 'Uunnhhhhhnnnghhhhuuuhhhhhhhhhggghh' and flopped on the bed, like a grizzly bear shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart.
I honestly thought, when pulled it all of that out of her - her liver would have shlopped out with it, hanging there like a grey flesh yo-yo.

So - there I am. My freak mate, naked but for shoes - asleep on a bed. My mates mum bent over expecting me to perform, and me, in a hotel room. I wanted to die.
Ashley looks over her shoulder at me "Come on baby - fuck me - gimmie that corn"
I look at her pussy. Bulldog had ruined it. It was huge and stretched out of shape like she had just given birth. I could have stuck my whole hand in her cunt and flipped a coin!!
How the hell am I going to follow that??
So I position myself behind her grab her ass, and eyes shut, I am thinking of as many sexy things as I can. Just get hard - ignore whats going on, even morning piss-wood would do. Me trying to fuck her right there was like pushing a marsh mellow into a kebab. I'm as hard as jelly. Then my hand slips......................... Bulldogs Junk is all over her and I have just put my hand in it!
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRGH'
It looks like a badly iced ring doughnut. So I grab her skirt, pretending to massage her ass, and scoop it out of the way. No - nooooo nooooooooooo NO!!
I have another mans cum on my hand. I was either going to me sick or cry.
I just stared at it, horrified. I must have been there a while, as she turned around. I didnt even see her get up!!
She then started to blow my tiny baby cock - and that took my mind off it. Infact, a blowjob will pretty much take my mind off anything. I had restored some pride, as I was now sporting just under 5 inches of solid cock. It might not have been a giant like Bulldog's but you could have prized open a steel door with it.
So, Ashly bends over and I'm in. It's OK - feels good, I am doing the noises, working away. She is making noises - probably sympathy noises but who cares, I am fucking.

I was just getting into it, blocking out what I have just seen by remembering the best bits from my porn collection.
'Bang'
something hard hit the wall. I was all 'What the fuck was that?' I look about, and it was a shoe. Bulldogs shoe. Did he throw a shoe at me? "Bulldog what the fuuuh....."
I look over and he is naked - socks and shoes now gone, and he is doing something.
He has his back to me, but I can see he is up to something, fussing hard doing... something.
So absorbed at what he was trying to do - I stopped moving again. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to see.

Bulldog turns around. His cock looked even bigger but horrible! Dark purple and blue, bulging with veins. All swollen, I though it might explode. Around the bottom, he had tied his shoe lace!
"Bulldog - what the fuck??" - I look at the shoe that hit the wall and, as I expected - no laces.
"Make shift cock ring" says Bulldog. Standing there - with his cock presented with a big shoe lace bow at the bottom. All the skin where tied was puckered up and white, then bulging twisted viens and engorged. It was grotesque, like a giant purple gherkin.
How the hell did he get hard again so soon? Must have been 5 minutes...

So again I am out. Bulldog - eyes bulging, just ramms it in. And then goes fucking nuts.
Fucking like a psycho, angry fucking, grunting and shouting.
"Uhhhhhhh?..." I am standing there like a twat
Bulldog gets worse and starts making animal noises and biting her neck - Ashley looks scared. He is biting hard - I can see the tooth marks, and hammering so hard I can see AND HEAR his turkey-neck nut sacks mash into her ass.
I try to grab his attention - and whisper "Bulldog"
"Nnnagghh ahhhhhh, uuuuugh"
"Bulldog"
"GNhhhaarrr, uhh, UUUHHH, Arrrrrr"
"BULLDOG"

He looks up - only one eye open like a crazy fucked up pirate. All red n sweatty with glowing white scars. It spooked the fuck out of me. So I screamed. Like a little girl
"EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhh"
I have no Idea why I screamed - probably fear, but I am sure I had never screamed before. It was loud enough that Ashley stood up
'Shhhlop' over a foot of Bulldog fell out.
'What?' said Ashley.
Me - feeling an even bigger twat "Oh...nothing"
So, as Bulldog was standing there, already, she sat on the edge of the bed and tried to fit the purple monster in her gob.
I had become a spectator. So - I tried to tell em 'I fold - I'm out, fuck this, you are both fuckin freaks' but what I actually said was "Err... hellooooooo?"
With that Ashley flopped the giant cock from her mouth. It looked like she had been drinking mayonaise, stood up and tried to kiss me. Right after smoking Bulldog's mutant pole! FUCK THAT!! She got close enough that I could smell Bulldog's onion knob stench on her breath! So I pushed her off - harder than I meant, she fell back onto the bed and bounced off, onto the floor, smashing a lamp. Letting out the loudest fanny fart I have ever heard 'Phhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrflp' I am sure it splashed my face.

Enough was enough. The whole affair was a nightmare. I grabbed my jeans and slept in the car. Nothing like porn. Not even close!

Never again.

Meatloaf - Literal Video Version

So there is this "Literal Video" thing going around where people change the songs to sing about what's in the video. Pretty funny shit...

CORNBALL RUN!!!

The Cars...

a 1932 (I think) Ford

This is a beautiful Jag, but he beat us so he is a douche.

CORNBALL RUN!!!

To set the stage of the Cornball Run....

Our State's Capitol on the morning of the race.

The Salisbury House

Yeah, this is where we started. They knew JaceOne and I were going to be there, so they got a mansion.

Car Ram-Rod in the Number One Spot - WHABAM!!! I'm the sexy one behind the camera. BOOYA!!!

CORNBALL RUN!!!

A few pictures of the checkpoints Zimm and JaceOne had during the Cornball Run 09.





JaceOne being silly.

We felt pretty good in the beginning of the race, when we kept getting to checkpoints and there were other teams there, and we took off ahead of them. F*N Meow

As it went on, we saw fewer teams in the race, but we beat the crap out of the team above!

Plus a ménage à trois of lovely ladies. Beth on the left, Jill on the right, and a sexy unnamed lady in the middle. They kept us company and told us where to go.

A Father's Day Video from Rooster Teeth

Since Father's Day is this weekend, the peeps over at Rooster Teeth threw together this nice little video. enjoy!

How not to interview for a job

Overthinking Sexual Harassment - Watch more Funny Videos

I watched this video because the thumbnail showed the blond chick in a bra. Turned out to be kind of funny. + 2 points.

Half naked girls on a roller coaster

Hot Babes Test Bras on a Roller Coaster - Watch more Funny Videos

The title really says it all, right?

MMA Futbol

Mixed Martial Arts Soccer -- Great friggen idea!

The Incredibles II -- Syndrome (Incrediboy) Strikes Back.

Ten Pounds says that the first thing Jaceone notices about the above photo is that the chick getting taken to the shiho nage hangs to the left.
Two.
Three.

Yep, I went there.

666th Post - Suck it Teufel

Mine.

I win.

you suck.

love
tuefel



Oh and because we're so God Damned professional here at the hershey hole known as [BS]--I'll pull some editorial magic and make up some words, post some picure, and have it all fit in thematically. Cause I'm just bad ass like that. (and it only took me a day--cause look honey the first go around I'm comming in about 15 seconds, we're gonna have to do it again if you want any satisfaction, sorry.)


















So in honor of our 666th post I'll point you to
Ubuntu Satanic Edition, Linux for the damned

It's a pretty 'lite' install with noting really satanic about it besides a few evil themed wallpapers and a folder on the desktop containing "Music for the Damned"--a short collection of that 'double base drum' music.

Overall the install (or run from cd if I'm being honest) has me pretty much jones'n for Diablo III.

Oh and for our young impressionable readers, or you old retards like me, joining a satanic cult is a lot like going to a nude beach: The only naked chick you are going to see is actually a very hairy fat dude, in a thong, popping a zit or perhaps, if you are lucky, this chick:

Nice van mister

The Invisible Rope

The power of suggestion is amazing.

[BS] Public Service Announcement

Finally, someone made a video teach us all how to tell the difference between a real rack and a store bought one. It's about time. I had no idea before...

How to Tell Real Boobs from Fake Ones - Watch more Funny Videos

The Hypnotist

Watch Hardly Working: Hypnotist on CollegeHumor

Another College Humor video? This blog really sucks doesn't it? Not very creative I know.

The Babysitter

The Babysitter

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Cinematic Comedy | Sexy Comedy

I think you'll figure out why I'm posting this. You are welcome.

Robot phone sex

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Another phone sex prank. Again, this chick really plays along.

Pull with both hands

Microsoft - in the future

See more funny videos and Technology Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Great parody of that Microsoft commercial.

Car Porn

Oh how I love it when they scream like that.

Parallel parking lessons: Can I borrow some tires?

Wow. Oh how I love the WRX.

WARNING: This video might blow your fucking head off so I suggest that you wear a neckbrace and slap on a fucking welding mask to withstand the mindfuck you are about to experience. (it's best to just lay back and let the video finish blowing its load all over your good-for-nothing shithole you call a face)

Kinda reminded me of Tuefel with all the rediculous ads (you whore). But trust me, it's well worth the wait.................Why are you still reading this?

Tuefel Wins the Bet!!

So, remember a few weeks back I mentioned that Tuefel and I had a bet going on for the month of May? Basically, to make a short story long, I noticed on May 7th that we had 20 posts already for the month, so blah blah blah take 20 posts per week times 4 weeks divided by your mom, and we should have hit 80 posts for the month. 80 posts is more than 76, which was our previous record, so, I bet Tuefel we would break it. He bet against it because as I've stated a few times in the past, he is an asshole.

So, the stakes were if I won he would have to make a formal apology to me and my greatness, right here on this site for the whole world to see. And if the Gods hate me and he won, I would have to do the same.

Ok, so the moral of the story is the God's hate me and Tuefel won. Damn hell shit. So, my dear friend Tuefel, here it is, in black and white, etched in stone for eternity:

But of course I couldn't just leave it at that! I had to go and make another wonderful MS Paint drawing in dedication to our resident Ad Whore Tuefel!! Muahahahaha! I love being me.

[BS] Presents: A Paint on Words:

WOW!!!

What else needs to be said...

Hardly Working: Cracking

Watch Hardly Working: Cracking and more funny videos on CollegeHumor

I hope College Humor doesn't mind that I steal just about every one of their videos and post them here. They should actually be thankful as we have TENS of people coming to this site every day begging for more content and without us, nobody would even know who College Humor was. They should send us money. Or hire me at their office. Or let me make out with Sarah. Or all of the above.

Kiss the Girl - the remix!

Watch Kiss the Girl... Continued and more funny videos on CollegeHumor

I'm guessing this was the first cut of the song from Little Mermaid. I like this version much better.

Oh, and you don't have to remind me that it's June 1st and I lost the bet with his Royal Gayness Tuefel. His prize will be online later this eveneing. I know you all are breathless with anticipation.